I couldn’t believe my lying eyes; “surely this had to be the work of satire” I told myself. Semen face masks for the Hollywood Elite is just too satirical. Soon I’d be reading about how a fat balding, rather rude man was running this business guaranteeing wives would come out looking years younger from his secret patent-pending method. All it would cost you is a few grand, half your dignity/self respect along with all your manhood.
After spotting the news on Stay Naturally Healthy, a quick scroll downward and I had confirmed if the information was real or if it were some kind of out-of-season April Fool’s joke.
We had reached such peak clown world that life was now mimicking a hentai plot with considerably less raunchy sex and no content forcing your content-tracking FBI agent to vomit, let alone question their path in life.
I’ll let Chelsee Lewis, facialist to the stars -no I didn’t make up that nickname! – explain how the process works with a quote from LADbible…
“It’s one of the best ways to boost oxygen and improve circulation to the skin, which will give you an immediate glow.”
“Sexual intercourse helps the stress hormone but also helps to balance the hormones and improve collagen production. But you can go one step further with a sperm mask. Yes, you heard right!
“Using your partner’s sperm as a mask is full of a compound called spermine, which is an antioxidant which can help reduce wrinkles, smooth the skin, prevent acne or spots and give you overall healthy-looking skin.”
As hilarious as it sounds you’re probably wondering is there any sound science to this? The answer to that is yes. Sex is very rewarding chemically to the human body, according to a report from ChateLaine, but more than that semen itself contains more than just spermine, which is real. It contains numerous hormones and chemicals that actually make it function as an anti depressant. Thus this isn’t another stupid elite thing.
Regardless the fact this amongst a few other useful tips is becoming front page news is the perfect way to send off the year of the clown. This is our opposition in Hollywood, in the culture war.
What is most hilarious is I know now a lot of guys are going to be attempting to use this as an excuse as are a lot of women to do some kinky stuff this new year.
Honk Honk everyone and watch out for Fat Bald Bastards, I’m still not convinced this isn’t some 4d chess gambit.