As everyone is well aware One Angry Gamer is ran by a cabal of furries from the Illuminati. We were very content in knowing our agenda which is mostly conceived in altered states of consciousness or severe inebriation was soon going to come to fruition. Though off the top of my head I cannot remember what the Hollywood branch was aiming for with the live-action Cats, I do remember its sheer brilliance as all our plans are.
In seriousness the movie is a time-killer that will sure to please the furry community while making others question their sexual preferences and many others to reevaluate what they’re doing with their lives. The audiences appear to have a middling impression, putting it barely north of the equator between good and bad.
Some critics have been content in merely saying the movie is a bad, poorly conceived and choreographed mess of a flick. Moving along from set piece to set piece, hamstrung together with something that wears unconvincingly the skin of a plot. In doing so they demonstrate a comprehension of cinematic flow and structure that is typically anemic in their other coverage.
Other critics appear to have gazed into the abyss and what passed for the soul of a movie critic was broken. Emerging from the theater a twisted shambling wreck of a person, their souls perverted beyond comprehension leaving what little sentience left in the husk of a reviewer, feeling noticeable empty.
These poor souls though in their moment of bewilderment have provided us with comedic gold. Now let us engage in a glorious past time: observing the ramblings of those who stared into the abyss.
ANTICIPATION. The trailers. Oh god, the trailers. 2
ENJOYMENT.I felt the light inside me slowly fading.1
IN RETROSPECT. Cats don’t deserve this kind of slander. 1
In the autumn of 2015, I adopted two lovely stray cats while living in Berlin. After I took them to the vet to be neutered, they returned with upset stomachs due to the anaesthetic used. I left them alone for a few hours while I went to the supermarket – when I came back, in either a random tragedy or a deliberate act of feline revenge – one of them had managed to direct his explosive diarrhoea all over the bottom shelf of my bookcase.
Naively I assumed this was the most abhorrent cat-related incident I would ever bear witness to. I suppose, in some twisted way, I should be impressed Tom Hooper has managed to best this horrifying visual experience with his all-singing, all-dancing abomination.
–
To think of the money wasted in creating this monstrosity is to wonder if we really deserve nice things at all, or if hell is empty, and all the Jellicle cats are here.
– Hannah Woodhead who has accepted her new found madness.
A movie can be transfixing without exactly being good. You might want to sneak back to see it twice, or six or seven times, yet you’re reluctant to recommend it to your friends. You remind yourself that bad taste is better than no taste. And for the eighth time, or perhaps the ninth, you return to Tom Hooper’s sometimes tacky, sometimes overworked, and yet often strangely beautiful Cats.
-Stephanie Zacharek coping with being a closeted furry.
“It’s amazing to see what Adult Swim can accomplish with a $100 million budget. I never knew Tom Hooper was capable of making a surrealist nightmare that would rival Jodorowsky, that could baffle David Lynch, that would prompt even the dark god Cthulhu to emit an impressed eldritch shriek of ‘nehehehehehe’.”
–Kyle Buchanan possessing a suspicious understanding of elder beings. Probably plot related.
Why are the cats sexy?
–Aja Romano asking the real questions!
Is Cats … like … a secret metaphor for something? Why can’t I figure out what it is?
–
It’s literally incredible. I hope I never see it again.
-Alissa Wilkinson trying to make sense of the abyss like the foolish mortal she is.
Cats Review: I Have Seen Sights No Human Should See
I have been processing this movie for the last 24 hours trying to understand anything as terrifying and visceral a trainwreck as Cats. You have to see Cats.
–Alex Cranz Master of Subtlety! You know the hallmark of someone broken by the abyss is to get others to stare into it.
I would rather eat glass than watch Cats again, but if someone were to put out a warts-and-all behind-the-scenes documentary on its making, I would watch the hell out of it.
–Peter Sobczynski not understanding how good wheat grass is once you’ve gotten used to it.
Looking straight into the camera at the end, Dench delivers a strange homily that looks like a P.S.A. “Kids, don’t do as many drugs as we all did in the Seventies” would have been a helpful message,
-Kyle Smith championing D.A.R.E. not understanding they got paid to make this movie so drugs yeah!
“There is a thin line between idiocy and genius, and Cats pukes a hairball on it and rubs its ass all over it.”
–
Cats plays like a catnip-induced fever dream that you can’t escape because the images are being poured into your eyes A Clockwork Orange-style. While at first these bursts of absurd images are so crazed that you can’t help but be delighted, Cats somehow starts to drag. It’s so bad, it’s good — until it’s not.
-Hoai-Tran Bui having realized insanity is fun until the novelty wears off.
Is the implication that Grizabella, played by Jennifer Hudson, became an outcast because she did sex work intentional, and if so, what does sex work for cats entail and why are the other cats so goddamn judgmental about it?
–Tom Hooper sucking the fun out of the Abyss by accepting its absurd laws and his place amongst them.
By the final scene, by which my eyebrows were hurting from being raised so high (the winning cat goes to the Heavyside Layer in a chandelier? What is this, “Phantom of the Opera”?), I was just tired. As was “Cats.” Meow.
–Moira Macdonald, now recuperating from a temporary mind break.
Loading comments…